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Spot 3

US legislates mandatory Thoughts and Prayers to curb mass shootings
"We can't stand by and do nothing"
Morrison retains edge as preferred Prime Minister, The Australian confirms
"You need to take the poll on Saturday with a grain of salt"
United Australia Party gets confused, accidentally delivers 3% cap on its primary vote
“I was supposed to be Prime Minister by now!"
Libertarian Tim Wilson finally manages to get government out of his life
"It's a relief to no longer receive a $250k salary from the state"
Labor to blame for election loss: Morrison
"This was a deliberate, sustained attempt by the Labor Party to unseat us"
Journalist asks Albo to recite names of every person who voted Labor
"How serious are you if you can't remember these basic details?"
Albo phones Morrison to advise that unemployment rate is now 3.91%
"Just making sure you're across the latest data mate"
God delivers Morrison massive fucking loss
"I was bored and thought it'd be funny"
News Corp declares victory for Coalition
"When you change the proportions on a pie chart and ignore the principles of basic mathematics, Scott Morrison's government has been resoundingly returned"
Woman relieved she’ll finally be able to drain her super to help increase house prices
"I’m just pleased there’s a party out there that will give me an opportunity to fuck up my future while contributing to the nation’s housing affordability crisis”
Anti-corruption commission could be a hinderance to corruption, Morrison warns
"I don't think people realise that this would literally put a handbrake on corruption"
USA announces plans to invade extremist theocratic state ‘USA’
“This is a barbarous, medieval regime restricting the rights of its people”
Morrison addresses cost of living pressure with $4.5m subsidy for single malt whiskey
"Ordinary Australians are struggling to put a bottle of limited edition single malt on the table"
“The price of bread is 4%” re-energised Albo says
"And the price of milk is 0.1%. Has been for a while"
Morrison tells renters to buy house using equity from their existing investment properties
"It's basic common sense"