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Scott Morrison’s 5 Tips For Surviving Hotel Quarantine
1. Ask for a 40-room suite: You’ve probably heard the horror stories of families cooped up for two weeks in a 12 square metre studio apartment without a window. Easy mistake to make. Had they asked to be upgraded to ‘The Lodge’ they would’ve had plenty of space to spread out and get out of each other’s hair. When you’ve got a different bathroom for each day in quarantine, it makes the whole thing a little more interesting
Locked-Down South Australians Excitedly Await Unsolicited Advice From Victorians
“I won’t be able to leave my apartment for a week, but on the plus side I’ll be able to hear about how much harder it was in Melbourne"
Trick-Or-Treater To Dress Up As ‘Marginal Liberal Electorate’ In Order To Get Bigger Handouts
"Going as a skeleton isn't going to net you the cash required to upgrade your lawn bowls club is it?"
Facebook Introduces New Option to Let Someone Know You’re Not Thinking Of Them On Their Birthday
"It will be nice to let her know that I haven’t thought about her once"
Lemonade Stand Paid More Tax, Made More Profit, Than All Of Donald Trump’s Businesses Combined
"Some people just aren’t good at running a business"
Man Who Spent High School Science Classes Pretending Bunsen Burner Was His Cock Reckons COVID-19 Is A Hoax
“The science doesn't stack up" said the man who accidentally superglued his finger to a tripod during a chemistry lesson
Bec Judd is mad because the 5km rule means she can’t walk from one end of her house to the other
“I left a new dress in the spare lounge room before stage 4 began, and now I can't get it"
Man On Plane Refuses To Wear Mask Because It Breaches His Human Rights
A passenger on a rapidly depressurising aeroplane has refused to fit himself with a mask, saying it was a contravention
‘No One Tells Me What To Do’ Says Man Who Does Whatever Pete Evans Tells Him To Do
A man who hasn’t vaccinated his children, doesn’t believe in sunscreen and owns a $15,000 Pete Evans BioCharger lamp, says he is a free-thinking individual who will never be dictated to by others
Brighton Woman Happy To Wear Face Mask If It Helps Stem Worrying New Outbreak Of Acne
A woman from Melbourne’s bayside suburb of Brighton says she is more than willing to comply with new face mask
Toddler Takes Just 2.5 Hours To Get Dressed
"We're up and out the door in under 3 hours"
I’m A Little Teapot Song Banned For Body Shaming
“The song is problematic in more ways than one"
Man Who Thinks He Has Imposter Syndrome Actually Just Shit
I’ve risen up the ranks so quickly, and yet I feel like I don’t deserve any of it,” Mason accurately observed
Man Upset That Statue He Never Knew Existed Has Been Pulled Down
Office worker Jim Randle says he is devastated that a statute he became aware of this morning is no longer
‘I never liked Chris Lilley’s stuff anyway’ says man who can recite every line of Summer Heights High
A man who owns the original ‘We Can Be Heroes’ DVD box set and once shared his top ten favourite