“We’re Going To Beat Coronavirus By Easter” Trump Tells Heaving, Jam-Packed Rally

Two thousand Trump supporters have squeezed into a local basketball stadium to hear the President reassure them that they’ll have this coronavirus thing wrapped up within two to three weeks.

Teenager Lectures Parents About Going Out All The Time

Astounded to hear her parents were heading out YET AGAIN tonight, Sydney...

Cruise Ship Of Asylum Seekers Arrives In Sydney

After years of failing to gain entry into Australia via small wooden...

Angus Taylor Says Fact He Owns 2,000 Hairdressing Salons Is Total Coincidence

Energy Minister Angus Taylor says there is absolutely no connection between his...

Contagion And 5 Other Documentaries To Watch While You’re In Lockdown

With more home-time on the cards, we’re all looking for new shows...

Nation’s Dogs Announce Plans To Continue Working From Home
By The Shovel on March 24, 2020
The nation’s dogs will work from home again this week, it has been confirmed.
‘Why The Fuck Aren’t You Social Distancing?’ Says Man Who Boasted About Going To The Footy Last Weekend
By The Shovel on March 23, 2020
The spread of coronavirus is your fault, a man who only ten days ago said he was going to sit in a packed stadium of...
Scott Morrison Defined As Non-Essential Service
By The Shovel on March 23, 2020
Scott Morrison is not critical to the nation’s response to COVID-19, it has been confirmed.
‘Everyone Just Needs To Relax’, Say 2,000 Beachgoers Who Will Be Dead By April
By The Shovel on March 21, 2020
Everyone is taking this whole corona thing way too seriously, 2,000 people who took to Bondi Beach for the last time in their lives, said...
Tasmania Shuts Itself Off From Rest Of World Which Is Real Surprise For Rest Of Us Who Assumed They Did This Years Ago
By The Shovel on March 20, 2020
Tasmania’s decision to isolate from the rest of the world has shocked everyone else, who didn’t realise the little state was joining in up until...
International Arrivals At Lowest Levels Since Scott Morrison Was Head Of Tourism Australia
By The Shovel on March 20, 2020
The number of tourists coming to Australia has hit its lowest point since Scott Morrison’s ‘Where the bloody hell are you?’ campaign, new figures have...
Australia’s 1.2 Million Epidemiologists Take To Social Media To Provide Valuable Expert Advice
By The Shovel on March 20, 2020
With Australians struggling to make sense of the COVID-19 pandemic, the nation’s 1.2 million epidemic experts have rushed to social media to provide sensible, evidenced-based...
5 Million New Podcasts To Launch Next Week
By The Shovel on March 20, 2020
The world is about to be absolutely fucking inundated with exciting new content, it has been revealed.
Next Season Of MAFS Will Be ‘Married At First Skype’, Nine Confirms
By The Shovel on March 19, 2020
The next season of MAFS will feature eight singles who have never met, getting married over an unreliable Skype connection, Nine has confirmed.
Shoppers Rush To Supermarkets To Get Coronavirus
By The Shovel on March 19, 2020
People have flocked to packed supermarkets around the country, eager to pick up a case of COVID-19.