Hi, Clive here,
I’m an ordinary Australian with a coal mine and a low tax bill, just like you. As the cost of living crisis really starts to bite, we’re all finding it tough. Like a lot of Australians, my wealth has only increased by $4 billion in the last 12 months. At times like these, every saving counts. Which is why I thought I’d put to paper some of my favourite money-saving tips. Feel free to apply them to your own life.
#1. Find cheaper ways to win zero seats at federal elections
Have you ever won zero seats at a federal election? If so, you’ll know how expensive it can be. Back in the good old days you could spend $100 million to win absolutely no seats at a federal election and not think twice about it. But with the cost of living going up, you might want to consider trimming that back a little. For example, you could halve your spend to just $50 million and still win no seats. Same outcome, half the cost. Clever, right?
#2. Cut back on unnecessary splurges, like employee wages
When there’s a cost-of-living crisis, we all need to make sacrifices, and by ‘we all’ I mean ‘my staff’. Just like having a subscription to five different streaming services at once is an excessive indulgence, so is paying employee entitlements. My tip? Place your business into voluntary administration, payout nothing to staff, walk away from the company, then wait for a court to order you to pay half of the original bill three years later. Genius.
#3. Don’t build the Titanic
This may sound like a metaphor, or some sort of allegory from a business textbook, but I mean it literally. If you want to save cash, don’t build a replica of the world’s most expensive seafaring vessel. I know, I know, you’re probably thinking – ‘isn’t a replica of the Titanic an essential item that the world can’t do without?’ I used to think that too. But then I realised you could just talk endlessly about building the Titanic, without ever actually building it. Boom! Half a billion saved.
#4. Grow your own food
With supermarket prices spiralling, you might want to consider growing your own food to cut down the weekly bill. I’m currently trying to grow a McDonald’s in my back yard.
#5. See if you’re eligible for government benefits
We all need a helping hand from time to time. So if things are really tough, see what tax breaks and government subsidies are available for your iron-ore mine or coal exploration project. One of the things I’ve always admired about Australia is that there’s always a safety net for fossil fuel businesses who have nowhere else to turn.
#6. Limit yourself to just one court case a day
We’ve all got our guilty little habits. For some it’s getting a takeaway flat white from the corner shop, for me, it’s initiating legal proceedings. Often it’ll only be 10am and I’ll already be lining up for my second court case for the morning! The problem is, while a soy latte might set you back $5 these days, suing Western Australia costs a tad more. That’s why this year I’ll be limiting myself to just one new case of litigation a day.