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United Australia Party gets confused, accidentally delivers 3% cap on its primary vote

After months of promising a 3% cap on mortgage rates, Clive Palmer’s United Australia Party has mistakenly implemented the cap on its primary vote instead.

Party leader Craig Kelly says he is furious at the mix up, which he blames on a conspiracy to bring the party down. “I was supposed to be Prime Minister by now,” he told supporters in a video message.

“Our internal polling on a Telegram group chat showed that I was tracking at 80-90% of the vote. But I didn’t get anywhere near that. Clearly someone has switched our mortgage policy with our vote result while we weren’t looking”.

He says he believes the mishap is a conspiracy coordinated by Daniel Andrews. “I’ve got it on good authority that there are thousands – possibly millions – of our votes being stashed in a tunnel network underneath Melbourne as we speak. Find those, we win government”.

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