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Morrison responds decisively to floods by announcing funding for ark

Scott Morrison has moved quickly to respond to the floods causing havoc across New South Wales and Queensland, committing $350 billion to build a 300 cubit-long wooden ark by 2045.

Mr Morrison rejected claims his government needed to do more to address the effects of climate change, saying he was simply following expert advice. “I’ve spoken to a lot of scientists about this, a lot of weather experts and climate change experts. But in the end it’s hard to go past Genesis chapter six, verses 14-22,” he said.

“The truth is, I’ve read more extensively on this issue than most, and I can tell you this bloke Noah seems to know a thing or two about extreme weather events. So that’s who I’ll be listening to”.

The PM said his instructions to shipping contractors were clear. “Make thee an ark of gopher wood; rooms shalt thou make in the ark, and shalt pitch it within and without with pitch”.

Mr Morrison said that while he hoped there would be room in the ark for all those affected by the floods and their pets, in reality there would only be enough room for residents of marginal Coalition electorates and the Sutherland Horizon Church.

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