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Government waiting for Rapid Anti-Djokovic Polling before fucking up next move

Scott Morrison and Immigration Minister Alex Hawke were this morning frantically trying to track down rapid polling before deciding how to massively balls up their next move on tennis star Novak Djokovic.

Ringing around polling companies in a desperate attempt to find one whose staffing levels hadn’t been totally depleted, Hawke said having the results of rapid polling was the only way the government could stumble into the next crisis with certainty.

“We can’t make a decision on anything – literally anything – without knowing how it might affect us in the polls,” Hawke said. “Scott doesn’t make a decision on what stupid cap he’ll wear without seeing polling data, so you can see why this rapid anti-Djokovic testing is so important”.  

He said the advantage of rapid polling is that the results are quick and easy to decipher. “If there’s one solid line we’ll deport him, attract international media attention and look like absolute arse clowns. If there are two solid lines then we’ll let him stay, admit we’re soft on borders and look like absolute arse clowns”.

Headline by Peter Tovey

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