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Morrison to close all public hospitals to avoid undercutting private enterprise

Saying private hospitals needed confidence they wouldn’t be undercut by free alternatives, the Prime Minister today announced that the government will permanently close all public hospitals this Friday.

At a press conference this morning the PM said that the increasing number of people being admitted to hospitals due to COVID-19 was concerning. “It’s a great concern. A great concern for private hospitals who are seeing a significant missed revenue opportunity”.

He said patients currently in public hospitals would not be abandoned under the plan and would be given a list of nearby private hospitals to consider. “I’m sure they can use their personal responsibility to work out what to do from there”.

Treasurer Josh Frydenberg said the money saved from funding hospitals could be directed towards more essential services such as carparks near train stations in marginal electorates and upgraded chesterfield couches in north shore sporting clubs.

Mr Morrison explained that the equipment from public hospitals will be auctioned off on eBay with the proceeds used to buy rapid antigen tests which will then be re-auctioned to Australians on eBay.

By Martin Welzel

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