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Morrison sets target for net zero allies by end of climate summit

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has set an ambitious target to totally alienate every single one of Australia’s strategic allies before the end of the week.

In a speech at COP26 in Glasgow today, Mr Morrison said he was confident of reaching the target, having already achieved his midweek goal of phasing out two of Australia’s most important relationships.

He said the key to fucking up diplomatic ties was innovation. “I’m always looking for new and inventive ways to undermine a relationship that has been in place for generations,” he said.

“Nobody previously had thought of releasing private text message conversations with the President of one of our closest allies. But that’s the type of innovative use of technology that I’m talking about.

“How will I eliminate our historic friendship with Britain, or our strategic ties with India? We don’t know yet. But I’m confident that before the week is out, there will be new techniques available to me that I will be able to adopt”.

He said Australia had already surprised people in what could be achieved in such a short space of time. “A lot of people said putting France and the US offside within the same week couldn’t be done. But we’ve already proven them wrong”.

Headline by Chris Auld @DamnYouChrisA

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