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Net Zero plan involves burying carbon emissions in Phil Gaetjens’ office

The Government’s new environmental policy relies on capturing and then burying thousands of tonnes of carbon emissions in the office of the Secretary of Prime Minister and Cabinet, new analysis reveals.

The Office has previously been used by the Government as a way of burying accusations of sexual assault and other potentially toxic issues. But this is the first time it will be used to suppress carbon.

A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said it was an innovative technique that had worked in the past. “Once something goes into Phil’s office, it’s never seen again,” he said.

“When we had those accusations from Brittany Higgins floating around earlier this year, they could have very easily spread – they could have been lethal. But we captured those accusations, we sent them to Phil Gaetjens’ office, and they’ve never resurfaced. We’ve totally mitigated it, and we can do the same with greenhouse gasses”.

Under the plan, Australia is expected to eliminate all accusations of carbon emissions by 2022.

Mr Gaetjens is yet to be briefed on the plan.

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