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Biden Comforts Terrified Defence Contractors: “There’ll Be Another War Soon”

President Joe Biden has provided reassurance to the nation’s traumatised defence contractors, promising that America will enter another pointless, unwinnable 20 year-war before they know it.  

“There, there, buddy” he said as he leaned in to embrace a CEO of one of America’s largest arms manufacturers. “I know it feels confronting, frightening, terrifying right now. I feel you. But this period of uncertainty will pass. We’ll be there for our military industry, as we’ve always been in times of great need. We’ll get you out of this”.  

One tearful defence industry executive said he appreciated the President’s kind words, after what had been a distressing two weeks. “What we’ve witnessed in Afghanistan these last few weeks has been difficult for everyone to watch. Horrifying stories of military orders not being renewed; shocking pictures of scaled-back defence contracts; terrified sales executives who may never meet their targets for the 2021/22 financial year. This is nothing short of an emergency,” he said.

Biden said he heard their concerns. “Know that you can trust your government to find an obscure country that most Americans cannot even locate on a map, to engage in a meaningless two-decades-long war. We will not abandon you”.

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