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Morrison Government Commits To Zero Admissions By 2022

The Morrison Government has reaffirmed its commitment to not take responsibility for anything at all, setting itself the target to eradicate admissions of incompetence, negligence and corruption entirely within six months.

Speaking in question time today, the Prime Minister said Australia led the developed world in the quest for zero admissions.

“In these past few years alone we’ve made some substantial progress – not admitting fault in the Robodebt failure; not conceding any involvement in the cark parks rorts and sports rorts programs even though they were government policies; not admitting even the faintest responsibility for the failure in the vaccine rollout despite the fact it is patently obvious we’ve totally fucked it up.

“So we’ve made a great start. But we can go further. And that’s why I announce today that by 2022, just under six months away, we will not take responsibility for anything. Noting at all. Not even small things. Even the little petty issues where you think we’d just say, ‘yeah fair enough, we stuffed that up, let’s move on’, we’ll find someone else to blame.

“Even when the evidence clearly shows that we’ve been negligent or corrupt or incompetent, we’ll say we’ve already addressed that, next question please.

“I accidentally bump into you in the hallway? Not my fault. I trip and spill my coffee on your shirt? Take it up with Dan Andrews. I implement a computer program that aggressively pursues poor people for money, driving them many of them to suicide? How about those Sharkies. Because that’s what zero admissions looks like”.

Despite the announcement, some within the party said the new goal was unnecessary, citing data that showed the government had reached the target years ago.

Mr Morrison later denied launching the target.

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Thanks to Peter Tovey for the headline

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