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Homeopaths Overrun, As Anti-Lockdown Protesters Report ‘Strange Onset Of Flu-Like Symptoms’

Australia’s homeopaths, energy healers and wellness professionals have reported a surge in demand, after a ‘strange and unexplainable’ increase in flu-like symptoms amongst their customers.

Carrol Straitjakit from the Alternative Healing Administration Council of Australia said patients were struggling to book a $350 per-hour appointment, given the demand for consultations. “It’s really odd. All of a sudden hundreds of people are coming in saying they’re struggling to breathe. We’ve completely sold out of healing crystals,” she said. “If this keeps up, we’ll probably have to hand back the JobKee… uh… wow, did you just see that pigeon?!”

Janet Bannedwaggen from the Tarot Card Prediction Services also reported a surge in people asking for remedies for damaged auras and loss of smell.   

“We’ve had to put on additional Tarot readers – children as young as 4 or 5. People are coming in all the time looking for reasons to explain the mildest of symptoms. A cough, a sneeze. None of it makes sense until we shuffle the deck. We’re just happy to be able to keep the doors open as an essential service to the community.”

Acupuncture outlets around the country have been less fortunate, however. “We just can’t source any needles,” Harold Mort from Pincushion Therapy said. “The stock has all gone to first world countries.”

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Adam Reakes

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