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Kevin Rudd In Talks With Kleenex CEO To Secure 10 Million More Bog Rolls

Former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd says he held preliminary discussions with Kleenex parent company Kimberly Clark last week to secure an additional 10 million toilet rolls for Sydney.

Noting that there were drastic shortages of toilet paper at supermarkets across Australia’s biggest city, Mr Rudd said someone needed to step into the leadership vacuum.

“Greg Hunt has had 18 months to sort this shit out and he’s comprehensively botched it,” Mr Rudd said.

“While the rest of the world is getting on with having a proper 3-ply wipe, we’ve got people in South West Sydney forced to use last week’s edition of The Daily Telegraph. Notwithstanding the fact that this may well improve the journalistic standards of the paper, it’s not great on your bum”.

The former PM wrote a letter to Scott Morrison, advising him of the discussions. The letter read in part:

“I used the call to congratulate Kleenex on their surprisingly soft, yet firm toilet paper. From there we pivoted to more complex debates, including the various arguments, for and against, using puppy dogs in toilet paper commercials.

I also used the opportunity to impress upon him Australia’s dire need for additional rolls. As a result I was able to secure an additional 10 million rolls this month, with a further 10 million due from October. Although it should be noted that, due to supply constraints, some of those rolls may be from Kleenex’s home brand range which, due to their thinness, may require a booster wipe”.

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With Adam Reakes

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