Every member of the Federal Liberal Party will commence urgent training to learn how to behave like a normal human, it has been revealed.
The move comes after it was found that many MPs had not completed the course, which in most cases is expected to be undertaken before turning five.
“We just assumed that grown adults representing their country would know how to conduct themselves without being a total cock,” a spokesperson for the party said. “But as it turns out, that is not the case.”
The course will include a range of modules including:
- Module 1 – Personal Relations: How to not hide in the bushes and take photos of other people
- Module 2 – Social Media: Why bullying your constituents on Facebook is not part of your job description as a member of Parliament
- Module 3 – Self Restraint: Resisting the urge to call someone who has been sexually assaulted ‘a lying cow’
- Module 4 – Managing Conflicts of Interest: why keeping your job as Attorney General is not appropriate when you’re suing a government organisation for defamation
- Module 5 – Sport and Fitness: Why pushing kids at fun runs isn’t normal adult behaviour
- Module 6 – Literature: Why forging a document in order to criticise a political opponent is not in line with general community expectations
- Module 7 – Economics: How not to charge your $1,000-a-month internet bill to the taxpayer or pay ten times too much for a piece of land next to an airport
- Module 8 – Logic: How to know that rape is bad without having to ask your wife first
- Module 9 – Workplace Relations: How to resist making up a claim about a sexual assault in another workplace in order to cover for failings in your own workplace
- Module 10 – Law & Order: Why taking photos of a woman’s underwear is illegal