Follow The Shovel

Government Launches New Track & Trace App To Track Down COVIDSafe App

The Federal Government has announced plans for a new $80 million track and trace app to discover the whereabouts of the COVIDSafe App, which hasn’t been seen since last April.

The new app – officially named WhatTheFuckHappenedToCOVIDSafe – will use sophisticated tracing technology to pinpoint any member of the federal government who has come within a mile of COVIDSafe within the last six months.

“It’s a bit like finding a needle in a haystack. No-one seems to have been willing to go anywhere near it,” the app’s lead developer Rebecca Luton said.

“We know, for example, the Prime Minister hasn’t come within a mile of the app since April 2020. But there must be someone who has had some sort of contact with it, even briefly”.

Luton said one of the problems with traditional contact tracing was that people often don’t want to talk about sensitive or personal details. “People don’t want to tell us embarrassing things like totally cocking up what was supposed to be the central component of Australia’s coronavirus response. But with this new app, we’re confident we’ll be able to track down what’s happened”.

The new app will only work on Nokia 5110 phones initially and will be launched with a $750 billion advertising campaign. Plans are already in place to develop a new app to find this latest one, once it also goes missing.

Like this? Donate a few bucks to The Shovel. And follow us on Email | Facebook Twitter Instagram

Become a Shovel member. Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram