In response to questions about how a mandatory COVID-19 vaccination would be enforced, Scott Morrison today announced a ‘No Jab, No Negative Gearing’ policy, which would require people to get immunised against the virus before they could write off their investment property.
“Australians love nothing more than negatively gearing houses,” a spokesperson for the program said. “All those fuckers whinging about their ‘freedoms’ or ‘the risk of autism’ will change their mind pretty quickly when they realise there’s tax free cash on the line”.
The ‘No Jab, No Negative Gearing’ policy forms part of a broader ‘JabKeeper’ program which would require all those reliant on government welfare – including mining magnates, politicians, property investors and franking credit recipients – to become vaccinated.
“All I’m asking is for rich people to function like the self-centred pricks they are,” Mr Morrison said, in a direct appeal to his constituents.
“If you’re paying overprice for a reno on your brother’s ABN to fraudulently value-add to your third investment property. If you’re a lowly multinational, syphoning millions of funds through an elaborate shelf company offshore. Or if you just want your taxable income to be zeroed out as usual, no problems, I’m here for you. Just get vaccinated first”.