In this exclusive feature, the people’s president lets us in on his favourite landscaping techniques to keep your garden free from apocalyptic climate disasters.
Cut down all the trees
“Think about it: you can’t have a forest fire if there is no forest. And don’t stop at your own property. Start in your local area. This should really be a community building activity, and if we all chip in to rid California of invasive forests I guarantee we will never have a California forest fire again.”
Burn more coal
“The liberal environmentalists want you to believe that we should be burning less coal, not more. But think about it. We have all this coal just lying there under the ground, waiting to catch on fire. We need to get all that flammable material out of the ground and get rid of it as fast as possible. If you have any coal around your house, burn it all right away, and breathe in the smoke. That’s the smell of freedom and safety.”
Consider living by – or in – the sea
“You know what never catches on fire? Water. Seriously. Try it sometime. If we all lived right next to the ocean we wouldn’t even have to be afraid of forest fires at all. I would even advise people to look into the aquatic property market. There are some beautiful boats out there if you really want to surround yourself with a fire-free environment.”
Hire a Mexican to do your landscaping
“That’s the kind of thing they do, right? I’m not sure, I’ve never actually met one.”
And finally… rake, rake, rake!
“It’s every American’s responsibility to get out that rake and clear those leaves. Don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty! Work sets you free!”
By Martin Ingle