So you’re visiting Melbourne? We hope you brought security. With African gangs running unchecked across the streets of Australia’s second-largest city, most visitors don’t make it beyond the Tullamarine Freeway before being car-jacked. If you do make it to your hotel alive, here are some tips for staying safe while you’re here.
Don’t go out to restaurants. One of the reasons Melbourne isn’t known for its food or café culture is because people are too scared to go out, for fear of being mugged by an African gang. Every weekend, millions of Melburnians don’t head out to cafes, restaurants and little bars hidden down laneways to have a good time. Follow their lead.
If you do go to a restaurant, ask to sit in the ‘non African Gang section’ Given the sheer number of African gangs in Melbourne, most restaurants now have an ‘African Gang’ and a ‘Non African Gang’ section. While we’ve never sat in the ‘African Gang’ section ourselves, we can guarantee that if you ask to be seated in the ‘Non African Gang’ section, you won’t see any African gangs at all.
Don’t go to the MCG. Sudanese men have been known to be associated with the AFL and often congregate at the MCG. It’s why people in Melbourne avoid the MCG at all costs – and why you should too.
Don’t take public transport. Sharing a carriage with an iced-up white guy was once a not-to-be-missed Melbourne experience. But since the increase in African immigration, taking public transport has become dangerous. Every day hundreds of Melbourne youths are caught catching trains and trams without the correct skin colour.
For up-to-date information, seek the advice of people living in Sydney. The best place to get a feel for what’s happening on the ground in Melbourne is from a harbourside mansion in Point Piper. Being just 800km away, people there have a real sense of what the locals are feeling – so seek their advice first.