One of the most hotly contested ideas of the last few years is being debated again. Should we allow two people of the same sex to get married now, or should we wait a bit, spend $160 million, wait a bit more, and then allow them to do it?
Who knows what will happen. Either way, it looks like same sex marriage will become a thing in Australia at some point this century. So if that makes you feel a little bit weird – here are some tips to deal with it.
Tip 1: Don’t marry a gay person
Easier said than done, we know. But trust us, if you commit to this one rule, you won’t be affected by same sex marriage at all. Literally not at all. Guaranteed. It seemed too good to be true to us too. But we tried it, and it actually really works – just use your very best self discipline to stop yourself from marrying someone of the same sex, and you won’t have a thing to worry about.
Tip 2: Don’t go to same sex weddings
You’ll no doubt be invited to loads, so this could be a tough one to stick to. But you’ll need to resist the urge to go along, otherwise you could catch gay. Just tell the bride and bride you’ve got something else on that night. Like a heterosexual rights rally or something.
Tip 3: Don’t think about gay sex
Just don’t think about it. If you’re against gay marriage, the worst thing you can do is imagine two men, totally naked, having sex. That’s just not going to be appealing to you, so don’t think about it. Just clear the thought of two erect penises right from your mind.
Tip 4: Move somewhere else
Make sure you choose somewhere where they’re unlikely to legalise marriage equality anytime soon. Saudi Arabia is our pick. You’ll fit right in. And if you don’t, they’ll just force you to, so it’s easy.
Tip 5: Take comfort in the bible
You know that marriage was meant for people called Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. So you’ll also agree with Psalm 137 that says you should throw your baby against a stone wall. It’s a great way to blow off some steam when you get angry about the fact that same-sex marriage is legal.
And remember, God says that your marriage is better than a gay person’s. (He also said you shouldn’t wear clothing made of two different types of material. But just ignore that bit).
This article first appeared in The Shovel Annual. Buy your copy here.