Apple CEO Tim Cook today announced the company’s latest offering – a beautifully designed offshore tax-avoidance scheme, named the iHaven.
Wearing his trademark black shirt and jeans, Cook wowed the audience with the iHaven’s stunning features, at one point demonstrating how the iHaven could effortlessly turn $9 billion in profit into a tax bill of just $24.90.
“It’s packed with features. It automatically monitors your tax rate, provides feedback on your profit levels, and then allows you to shirk all responsibility with just the swipe of a hand. Quite simply, it’s the best tax avoidance scheme we’ve ever created” Cook said.
The iHaven also includes state-of-the-art loophole technology, features a Teflon-based cover, and automatically syncs with the company’s other tax avoidance schemes.
Analysts were unanimous in their praise for the iHaven. “This will be the must-have tax-avoidance scheme of the year,” analyst Jeremy Goldenberg said. “Like most Apple products, it’s sleek, it’s intuitive, and when you get to the end of the workday there’s no charge”.
The iHaven will retail for $40,000,000, or $1.95 less without tax.