Follow The Shovel

CLOSE
PM David Cameron cuts ties with Scotland after Andy Murray loses again

It was the final straw. For as long as Andy Murray looked like he might win a major tournament, the English were prepared to pretend they gave a toss about Scotland. But patience has finally run out. With Murray losing yet another Grand Slam final yesterday, Prime Minster David Cameron decided it was time to end the charade.

In a speech to Parliament this morning, Cameron said Great Britain would end all ties with Scotland, leading to cheers from both sides of the chamber. “It’s time to face facts. If we accept that Andy Murray is never go to win a slam – and he’s not – then we also must accept that we really have no use for Scotland”.

A massive sigh of relief could be heard across England as the realisation that they could once again hate Scottish people sunk in. Hugh Chestnut from Oxfordshire said “For years my mates and I have been saying things like ‘oh but Andy’s a good bloke’ or ‘Andy really is quite funny’. Thank god we can now say what we actually think, which is that Andy Murray is a wanker.

Margaret Dolton from Chester was delighted at the news. “I always preferred Tim Henman. He did the right and proper thing by always bowing out in the semis and sparing us the hideous spectacle of seeing a British man choke in the final of a major sporting event”.

John from Milton Keynes said “I never really liked Whiskey anyway”.

The British tabloids jumped the gun on the Prime Minister’s historic announcement, The Sun leading with the headline “Federer wins in all-international final”. The Daily Mail was less subtle, running with “DIE YOU PIECE OF SCOTTISH SCUM”.

The Prime Minister has given Scots a week to leave Great Britain before they will be forcibly removed.

Like this? Like The Shovel on Facebook. Or follow The Shovel on Twitter.

Like this? Donate a few bucks to The Shovel. And follow us on Email | Facebook Twitter Instagram


SHARE THIS STORY
Become a Shovel member. Or follow us on Email | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram

Close

Enjoy this? Support The Shovel with a one-off 99c donation

For only the cost of a really shit coffee, or the annual tax payment of a multi-national company, you can support The Shovel. Make a one-off donation instantly using Spotpass - no credit card, no spam and $5 to spend instantly.

Thanks for your support!!