technology – The Shovel

Apple Watch Only Works If You Have ‘Consumer Slave’ Tattooed On Your Forehead
By The Shovel on April 30, 2015
Early adopters of Apple’s new watch have found that the device only works for those who have a tattoo on their face declaring their absolute...
Human Life Now Entirely Taken Up With Checking Things
By The Shovel on April 28, 2015
Humans now have something to do in the dead time between checking their phones and checking their iPad.
People Who Illegally Downloaded ‘Dallas Buyers Club’ Forced To Watch Matthew McConaughey Rom-Coms On Continuous Loop
By The Shovel on April 7, 2015
Australian internet users who illegally downloaded Oscar winning movie Dallas Buyers Club will be forced to watch How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days...
Google Launches Funky New Tax Avoidance Lab
By The Shovel on April 2, 2015
Tech giant Google today welcomed staff to a futuristic new workspace on Sydney’s Darling Harbour that will become a hub of innovation and tax avoidance.
Man Who Powers Microsoft’s Internet Explorer To Retire After 20 Year’s Service
By The Shovel on March 19, 2015
Ed Cornigen will wake up at 4:08am on Friday morning, as he’s done for the past 20 years, to wind up Internet Explorer for one...
Self Checkout Machine Can Do Work Of 6 Totally Useless Humans: Study
By The Shovel on November 17, 2014
Self checkout machines, now popular in supermarkets and stores throughout the country, have the same output as six utterly incompetent humans, a study has revealed.
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Microsoft Word Spellcheck Not About To Just Let You Change From U.S. Spelling
By The Shovel on October 16, 2014
The Microsoft Word Language Function admitted today that, while it knows you changed the language from US English to Australian English, it just prefers to...
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Fax Machines Are Our Future, Says Abbott
By The Shovel on October 14, 2014
Prime Minister Tony Abbott today opened a new fax machine factory in Melbourne’s west, saying the telecommunications devices were ‘friends of humanity’.
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ASIO To Watch While You Have Sex
By The Shovel on September 24, 2014
An ASIO agent will be discreetly stationed behind a curtain when you have sex tonight, Attorney-General George Brandis revealed today.
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Siri Replaced By Bono
By The Shovel on September 19, 2014
Users of Apple’s new iPhone were today surprised to find the well-known personal assistant, Siri, had been replaced by an aging, slightly annoying Irish man...
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Friends Spend All Night Perfecting Selfie, As Memento Of Amazing Night
By The Shovel on July 9, 2014
Saying “One more, one more!” a group of Sydney friends spent Saturday night getting that perfect shot, so they could remember how incredible their night...
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42 Year-Old Man Still Living With His Mum To Spend Today Courageously Berating People Online
By The Shovel on May 5, 2014
Using the avatar HardntheF-up23, 42 year-old unemployed man Peter Broomfield will log on to his computer this morning to bravely tell people he doesn’t know...
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Google+ Still Going, Researchers Claim
By The Shovel on April 9, 2014
A small community of Google+ users has been discovered in northern California, years after they were assumed to have died out.
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New ‘Tech Bra’ Only Unhooks When Man Has Taken Bins Out
By The Shovel on January 29, 2014
In a long-awaited fusion between hot-blooded hormones and cold, hard practicality, a new bra designed by Australian scientists will only unlock after the potential suitor...
US Private Equity Firm Buys Last Remaining Piece Of 1997
By The Shovel on January 13, 2014
US firm Platinum Equity this morning bought Australia’s ‘Yellow and White Pages’ for a reported $454 million. It is believed to be a new record...

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