All posts by The Shovel
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Doug Stamper Behind Epstein ‘Suicide’
Former White House operative Doug Stamper is responsible for the so-called ‘suicide’ of billionaire Jeffry Epstein, sources have confirmed, putting an end to countless conspiracy...
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Australian Tourist Asks If Hong Kong Protesters Could Please Hold Off On Fight For Democracy Until After His Holiday Is Over
Saying it was a worthy cause but one that could just as easily take place after his flight home next Thursday night, Australian man Geoff...
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Asylum Seekers Allowed Entry To Australia After Telling Authorities They’re Headed To Crown Casino
A boatload of asylum seekers intercepted near Christmas Island yesterday has been allowed entry into the country after they were able to produce documentation proving...
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“How Could We Have Known At The Time That Relentlessly Booing An Aboriginal Man Because He Spoke Up On Indigenous Issues Was Racist?”
“We’re all experts now aren’t we. Sure, four years on, it’s easy to see that relentlessly booing an Aboriginal man to the point that he...
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England Confirms It Received Coaching Assistance From Bill Shorten, To Get Advice On How To Fuck Up An Unassailable Lead
England cricket coach Trevor Bayliss says his team turned to former Labor leader Bill Shorten at tea on the first day of the first test...
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Liberal Party Doesn’t Have Any Goddamn Fucking Issues With Bullying
There is no issue with bullying in the Liberal Party and if you can’t see that then don’t expect to work in this town again,...
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The Shovel’s 7 Tips For Living On Newstart
There’s been a lot of talk about increasing the Newstart payment recently. But as the Government has pointed out, there’s really no need. While $40...
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Cash-Strapped Barnaby Joyce Forced To Switch From ’98 Bordeaux To ‘06 Bordeaux
Saying he knows what it’s like to live on Struggle Street, backbencher Barnaby Joyce has explained how he has to make tough choices every day...
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World Now Run Entirely By Idiots
The world is run by absolute clowns, it has been confirmed.
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George, Matt and Gary Walk Away From MasterChef After Channel 10 Offers Them $9 An Hour
Channel 10 say they are surprised they could not reach a contract agreement with MasterChef judges George Calombaris, Matt Preston and Garry Mehigan, after the...
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Man Takes Break From Looking At Big Screen To Spend Time Looking At Small Screen
Saying it can get monotonous looking at a big backlit screen all day, Sydney man Brad Knight decided to break things up this morning by...
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Nation’s Teens Unsure How To Measure Self Worth Now That Instagram Not Showing Likes
Sydney student Lily Maples has been left without any way of determining her value to society, it has emerged.
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New MasterChef Challenge Gives Contestants 60 Minutes To Prepare Beautifully-Constructed Illegal Wage Payment Scheme
In a new twist on Australia’s favourite cooking competition, MasterChef contestants will have exactly one hour to cook up the perfect way to underpay their...
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We Used FaceApp On Peter Dutton And He Doesn’t Really Change
According to the popular ageing app FaceApp, Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton will remain a pasty, horrible man, although in the future he’ll be wearing...
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We Analysed Meghan And Kate’s Body Language And … Then Stopped Because It Is Weird And Totally Unimportant
A frame-by-frame analysis of Princesses Meghan and Kate at Wimbledon this week showed that we had way too much time on our hands.
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