All posts by The Shovel
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Direct Correlation Between Shitness Of Ringtone And Time Taken To Find Phone In Handbag, Research Confirms
The more infantile a person’s ringtone, the longer it will take them to realise the phone is theirs, search through their handbag, undo five different...
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Government Calls Emergency Meeting To Resolve Best Way Of Doing Nothing
Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull called together his party for crisis talks this evening, to consider the different options available for doing sweet f*ck all.
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Growing Global Inequality Driven By 7.52 Billion People Not Being Billionaires, Experts Say
The growing problem of global inequality could be solved overnight if 7.52 billion people did the right thing and came billionaires, a new study suggests.
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NAPLAN Results Could Be Gooder, Government Concedes
The Federal Government admits literacy and numeracy skills should of improved fasterer, following ten years of NAPLAN testing.
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5 Tips For People Worried About Same-Sex Marriage
One of the most hotly contested ideas of the last few years is being debated again. Should we allow two people of the same sex...
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Trump Promises ‘Jobs For All Americans’ (One At A Time As Communications Director)
President Donald Trump has made good on his promise to put all Americans in work, with each of the 250 million employable-age citizens to have...
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Trump Issues Fifth Final Warning To North Korea On Missile Launches
Donald Trump says he will definitely and absolutely, without a doubt, possibly launch military action against North Korea if they don’t shut down their missile...
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I Went Without My Phone For A Week And, Oh Fuck This Is Such A Boring Article
Have you ever stopped and wondered what it would be like if I had to live without my phone for a week? Nah, me neither....
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Change.org Launches New ‘Select All’ Function, To Allow Users To Sign All 83 Million Petitions At Once
Concerned citizens will now be able to more easily make a real impact on the issues that matter to them, with a new function that...
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New Paleo Bars Replicate The Convenience And Packaging Of Stone-Age Snack Foods
A new range of paleo bars replicate the ease, convenience and colourful packaging that cavemen would have been accustomed to, the products’ manufacturers say.
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All Senators To Be Sent To Nauru Until Citizenship Status Confirmed
Australia’s remaining senators will be held on the island of Nauru as a precautionary measure, to allow authorities to properly establish their citizenship status.
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Oh Dear! Matt Canavan’s Mum Also Signed Him Up To The Greens Without Telling Him
Mining and Resources Minister Matt Canavan is a paid up member of The Greens, it has been revealed.
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Bieber Cancels World Tour Citing Unethical Conditions: “I Had To Listen To Justin Bieber Songs Every Night For Months”
Justin Bieber says a work contract which forced him to listen to truly appalling music night after night was unreasonable and unethical, and he will...
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‘Lack Of Diversity’: Producers Commit To Putting More Redheads On Next Season Of The Bachelor
The creators of The Bachelor have responded to claims of a lack of diversity amongst the show’s contestants, saying they will aim to put at...
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Sportsbet Ad Constantly Interrupted By Football Game
A 3-hour advertisement informing viewers of the latest sports betting odds has been annoyingly interrupted by a game of football, angry fans have revealed.
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