#VanLife: 5 Midnight Pissing Hacks (And The Instagram Filters To Go With Them)

vanlife

You’re an adventurekin millennial about to trade rental slavery for the elusive freedom that only the owner of a 1999 Toyota Tarago with 110 Instagram followers can truly know.

Yet, you’ve got doubts about #vanlife you just can’t shake – doubts of the urinary kind.

Don’t worry, dear traveler, we’ve got you covered.

Just rearrange literally everything in your van, brush the dirt/weed crumb/sand medley off of your mattress, then lie back and peruse our 7 Midnight Peeing Hacks (and the Instagram filters to go with them!) :

1. Our Prestigious National-Wide Network of Public Toilets

Public toilets are world-renowned for their impeccable safety and 24/7 lighting.

So, the next time you wake up at 2am with a bladder fuller than a rave with a pill press, just mosey on down to your local public toilet.

It will definitely be unlocked, clean, and free of sexual predators.

Plus, if there is someone else using the facilities at the same time as you, you’ll be able to swap tips on other local after-hours piss spots.

Filter of choice: Match the warmth of unexpected friendship with the autumn hues of Hefe, and don’t forget to tag your the latest member of your #peetribe!

2. Put the “Dump” in Dumpster

In recent times many van-dwellers, wary of CCTV and roaming police officers, have shied away from the most sacred of urban pissing grounds: The dumpster.

Dirty old skips do, however, offer midnight toilet-goers many secret delights.

Not only are they one of the most convenient-to-locate pee spots – virtually every business has one – but they often provide a pungent, rotting odour that will overpower any smells that might otherwise incriminate you. So go ahead, put the “dump” in dumpster while you’re there!

And, while you’re there, why not do a quick brekky dive before you head “home”. Talk about sustainable living!

Filter of choice: A classic toilet spot deserves a classic filter. We recommend Nashville to give your dump an old-school road trip feel.

3. A Tree, Garden Bed, or Leech-Infested National Park

A large part of the boho van life is getting back to nature, and nothing pays homage to Gaia quite like covering a living thing with your acrid, wouldn’t-pass-a-welfare-test urine.

Women are particularly lucky when it comes to outdoor peeing, getting to be a good two feet closer to Mother Earth than their male counterparts.

Ladies, not only will bush squats help you smash out coveted #LegDayGoals, but let me tell you: There’s nothing quite like the thought of unseen slugs, leeches or crickets latching onto your hoo-ha to really make you appreciate all the life choices that lead up to your refreshing outdoor tinkle!

Filter of choice: For late night nature shots you can’t go past Amaro. The little halo of light framing your wet patch will make you the envy of all of those boring 9-5 friends. 

4. A Big Old Gatorade Bottle

It’s the middle of winter and, contrary to popular belief, sleeping in a completely uninsulated tin box on wheels can get a little chilly.

What’s a free spirit to do when nature calls, but also shrivels your genitalia down to Teletubbie proportions?

Pee in a bottle, duh!

If you really want to step it up, you can even decorate your bottle with an intricate mandala, or turn it into a keepsake by marking off all the bottle-pissing destinations that your wanderlust has led you to thus far.

We recommend the wide, roomy opening and accomodating volume of a 2L Gatorade bottle. You’ll avoid the ultimate faux pas that is stopping mid-stream to roll down the window and empty out a Coke can dripping with your own wee, and when you’re done you’ve just scored yourself a comfy water bottle! Win-win!

Filter of choice: Nestle your bottle between a variety of cool objects (sunglasses, copies of ‘On the Road’, festival wrist bands), then use Lo Fi to really make the colours pop!

5. The Darkest Corner of the Car Park

While most people who live in vans find it very easy to get a level, private car park that is directly beside the beach or another breath-taking natural wonder every single night, a small minority have to settle for sleeping in supermarket car parks.

If you find yourself in that unhappy few and in desperate need of late night bladder relief, we recommend toddling over to the darkest corner of the car park you can find.

While it is true that a disproportionate number of stabbings, thefts and abductions take place in supermarket car parks, if nobody sees you, how can they attack you?

Going to the darkest, most remote part of a car park is a sure fire way to let your pee and your chi flow free from unwanted attention.

Filter of choice: Accentuate your unparalleled sense of irony by using the Moon filter to provide a lovely contrast between the light tones of your ass ass and the black, glistening bitumen below.

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By Vivienne Mitchell 

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