We’ll Help Fight Ebola If You Let Us Bomb It, Government Says

ebola bomb

The Australian Government has told the international community that it is happy to help the fight against Ebola, as long as that fight involves F/A-18F Super Hornet jets.

“We never said no to help. We just haven’t been asked for the right kind of help yet,” a Government spokesperson said today. “The answer to the question ‘can you send medical teams?’ is ‘no’. The answer to the question ‘can you send fighter jets?’ is ‘when can we start?’”

bombebola

He said Ebola could be doing more to help its own cause. “It’s not terroristy enough. Put on a balaclava, post a few clips on YouTube and we’ll be on the next flight over”.

He said Ebola could be degraded and destroyed within months, given the right aircraft.

The Shovel is Australia’s satire news service. For more breaking stories, follow The Shovel on Facebook and Twitter.

9 Comments

  1. Michael Webb

    October 17, 2014 at 8:02 pm

    Curiously, Abbott’s Stuffed Shirt-Front is still awaiting that extra-special permission from the Iraq Government to permit Australian Special Humanitarian Air Service boots to hit Iraq’s newest recruit training grounds. Regardless of Baghdad’s seeming reticence to welcome, yet again, these foreign Legion-Lairs, the latter have jumped the queue… of prospective invitees and are presumably giving the said boots, a daily spit’n’polish, down south in Queue-Wait. Meanwhile those interfering MSF and International Red Cross people drone on about the desperate need to have Australia despatch ANY team of giggle-suited medicos to help treat a growing gaggle of Ebola afflicted black Africans. Those bleeding hearts are never satisfied! Haven’t the Royal Wee, our ever-caring Abbott Government, already forwarded $18 mil of Australian hard-earned to the authorities in West Africa…. money doesn’t grow on trees don’t they know?

  2. ERIC

    October 17, 2014 at 8:23 pm

    Abbott is prepared to fight ebola but will not shirt-front it because he thinks shirt-fronting Mr Putin will probably exhaust all his capacity. Scott Morrison says ebola is welcome in Oz but not if it comes by boat.

  3. Nettythe1st

    October 18, 2014 at 12:44 am

    Nailed it! Or should I say ‘bombed’ it!

  4. Emmjay

    October 18, 2014 at 1:37 pm

    Look, the thing is, people are already regarding the Shovel as an Abbotian policy mouthpiece. Today’s satire is tomorrow’s deadly earnest Abbott government policy. Because Shovpol is so lifelike, how the fuck is anyone – especially Pyne-O-Clean and Super-duper Scotty – going to spot the difference.

    I’m exhorting the Shovel to use your power wisely – and may the Ford be with you ! Also the Toyota and General Morons.

  5. Rob

    October 18, 2014 at 9:04 pm

    Winston Churchill lover Tony will fight it on the beaches pic.twitter.com/7q7c70N439

  6. Tom

    October 19, 2014 at 2:20 pm

    Well the F/A 18F is on of the best delivery system for providing humanitarian aid to people in need of high explosive aid. And aided by the capsules painted white with a red cross helpfully marked 1000 lb and 2000 lb, I’m sure Australia will be able to end the pain and suffering of thousands with high explosive aid.

  7. James

    October 19, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    What sad, pathetic people we have here, commenting on satire as if it was real, and then spewing forth their ignorant and childish party-centric political ‘views’.

    Australia seems to have lost its national sense of humour. At least The Shovel gives me hope that this isn’t the case… if I don’t look at the comments.

    • Maybe Satire

      October 20, 2014 at 11:31 am

      Lighten up on others, we can’t all be as clever or funny as you. Although your remark on comments is sometimes fair – most of the comments this time seemed totally in keeping with the satire and were just attempting varying takes on it.

  8. Maybe Satire

    October 20, 2014 at 11:46 am

    I am hearing that Mr Abbott and Scott Morrison are refining their Ebola assistance policy – we are “volunteering” anyone wearing a burqa to parliament house to be sent to assist Ebola sufferers in Sierra Leone or Liberia.

    “The burqa should provide sufficient protection against infection”, a spokesman for Mr Morrison stated. “Unfortunately, however, at this stage we have no quarantine methodology to enable repatriation and so all these volunteers will be required to stay in the destination country.”

    Mr Morrison is believed to also be looking for volunteers in Nauru and Manus Island with Sierra Leone being offered as an opportunity-filled alternative to Cambodia.