ASIO To Watch While You Have Sex

An ASIO agent will be discreetly stationed behind a curtain when you have sex tonight, Attorney-General George Brandis revealed today.

Mr Brandis said the agent, who will collect general data about your activities and monitor your movements for any suspicious behaviour, will not obtrude on your normal activities. “You won’t even notice he’s there,” Brandis said.

The initiative is designed to curb terrorist attacks on Australian soil, which have doubled in recent months.


While some rights campaigners expressed concern at the expanding powers of Australia’s spy agencies, Mr Brandis assured people that there was no need for alarm. “If you do nothing wrong, you’ve got nothing to worry about,” he said.


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  1. Tom

    September 24, 2014 at 8:01 pm

    How did George Brandis find out I was going to have sex tonight. He must have found out in that metadata. Be afraid be very afraid.

    • Emmjay

      September 25, 2014 at 9:00 am

      I checked your metadata, Tom. One line ! Impressive 🙂

  2. Mic

    September 24, 2014 at 8:49 pm

    its ok if you scream out “oh god, oh god ohhhh goddddd”

  3. Tony

    September 24, 2014 at 8:55 pm

    Just rang my wife to warn her and she said she’s known for days. Our ASIO agent is called Dwayne and he’s (apparently) cute. Anyone else find that a little weird?

    • Mim

      October 3, 2014 at 8:12 am

      No not really, Dwayne is cute

  4. GFR

    September 24, 2014 at 9:57 pm

    The terrorist attacks have doubled from 0 to double 0 or somtimes known as 00

  5. Kylie

    September 24, 2014 at 11:53 pm

    so much for human rights! The only terrorists I see are the ones governing this country!

    • unclemonkey

      September 25, 2014 at 8:09 pm

      Oh I know… I feel that teh prospect of having an asio operative watching me whilst in lurve mode more than a little disturbing… we should petition the government!

  6. Glen

    September 28, 2014 at 2:16 pm

    Make sure you enter into a documented and signed sexual activity agreement with your potential partner, document all intended positions and times, ensure you stick to the agreement or you will both be charged with terrorising an ASIO Officer.

  7. Maybe Satire

    October 3, 2014 at 8:27 am

    Wistful thought: I wish that this would be relevant to me!

  8. Pyne O'Clean

    October 3, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    I’ve got mixed feelings at the moment! Me and the missus have always wanted to make a porno and now that ASIO are giving away freebies, it seems a bit too good to pass up. And to make things worse, the Burqa situation has really thrown a spanner in the works for our annual fancy dress party, where the missus has been umming and aaahhhing for months about whether to go as a letterbox or a black Pacman.