Government Looking For New Big Scary Thing

great big scary thing

Cabinet will meet tomorrow to discuss available options for a new large scary thing, after the Great Big Scary Tax was successfully killed today.

While visibly relieved that the devastating attack on lamb prices and Whyalla will now cease, Prime Minister Tony Abbott acknowledged the importance to Australia of having a vaguely defined but deeply frightening thing to worry about.

“With Great Big Scary Tax dead and buried, and Illegal Maritime Arrival safely hidden in [redacted], we’re in danger of losing our sense of purpose,” he told Cabinet colleagues today.

Children’s cartoon characters, the internet and New Zealanders were all put forward as early ideas for potential replacements.

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  1. Tony

    July 17, 2014 at 3:09 pm

    Why not mime artists? Either them or piano accordionists. Both scare kids.

    • Squirrel

      July 17, 2014 at 3:36 pm

      What about clowns? Plenty of people find them scary and there are plenty of them in Federal Parliament to choose from.

  2. Maybe Satire

    July 17, 2014 at 4:10 pm

    I believe we already had established the new threat that is hanging over Australia: Information Traffickers.

    To ensure we avoid these sinister characters who will bring awareness and understanding to the Australian population, our revered and omniscient government, through its glorious representative Senator Brandis,is already preparing bills to ensure that the trafficking of information can be prevented and these information traffickers brought to check under the full rule of law.

    Unfortunately, the operations against these villains must be kept under cover or else we shall undermine the very backbone of our government’s informationless nirvana.

    • RobLux

      July 17, 2014 at 5:23 pm

      We cannot tell people about the Information Traffickers. Shhh. Nothing to see or hear here.

  3. RobLux

    July 17, 2014 at 5:21 pm

    Zombie Boat Rustlers. Under beds. Eating Toddlers. You heard it here.

  4. zanpanda

    July 17, 2014 at 6:35 pm

    They could try looking in the mirror…

  5. Andy

    July 17, 2014 at 9:39 pm

    The only thing we have to fear is the absence of fear itself.

  6. Andy

    July 17, 2014 at 9:43 pm

    The only thing we have to fear is the absence of fear itself.

    ….. and maybe Malcolm.

  7. The BBG

    July 18, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    The government needs a watch of John Candy’s “Canadian Bacon” for a top idea.

  8. linda

    July 18, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    … And Russian rebels have provided it.

  9. Paul Murray

    July 18, 2014 at 6:13 pm

    The essence of this I presume is adopting a carrot instead of a stick approach which is laudable in a philiosophical way but it presupposes that unscrupulous polluters are suddenly going to grow a conscience, spend a wagonload of money in cleaning up their act in the hope that they may realise some nebulous future rebate.
    Alternatively, government pays companies up front based on (?) proposals / projects to implement cleaner technologies and somehow a supervisory process would have to be created by government to audit both the use of funds and the results of the ‘greening’ projects in play.
    Come on – this is a flagrant example of mining and big business buying their way out of a hole where a punitive carbon tax based on extant emissions is quite clearly the simplest way to monitor the performance of offenders and charge them accordingly when they fail to comply with the prescribed limits.
    This should work on a 3 strike policy where (instead of offenders simply building their fines into their business overhead costs) they are shut down if they fail to comply after their 3rd transgression.

    Abbott is just another of those unscrupulous businessmen and I think the carrot he is offering is a genetically modified frankenfood that nobody wants or can practically use…

  10. richardw

    September 27, 2014 at 8:27 pm

    They found it.

    Howard had left the Terrorism thing lying around so they’ve patched it up and inflated it and it’s flying above us now.