Australia To Reinstate Imperial Measurement System

tony abbott satire

Australia will revert to using miles, ounces, yards and furlongs next year, more than 40 years after the imperial system was first phased out in favour of metric measurements.

Prime Minister Tony Abbott made the announcement late yesterday as part of his broader plan to return to colonial era thinking.

“Too often we cast tradition aside without due consideration to the impact it has on our social fabric,” Mr Abbott said in a speech to Parliament. “This is a natural step, an important step in our future as a nation”.

Mr Abbott, who said he had been considering the change for some time, pointed out that many Australians already regularly use the imperial system. He joked that Senator George Brandis had recently asked him to guess how many yards of bookshelf space he has. “I guessed two hundred, which, as it turns out, was miles off,” Mr Abbott said to laughter.

The correct length is 28 chains.

While the cost for changing existing infrastructure, such as road signage, could run into the thousands of pounds, Mr Abbott said it would be money well spent.

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158 Comments

  1. Diane

    March 27, 2014 at 12:06 pm

    I can’t wait until he brings back the horse and cart and returns to the night soil collectors!
    And bans television so that families will learn to talk to each other over dinner, sitting around the same table – maybe even singing around the piano together and going to dances at the local community hall every Saturday night…..

    • Corey

      March 27, 2014 at 6:52 pm

      Don’t scare us like that!

    • DIO

      March 27, 2014 at 7:13 pm

      You forgot the church. Every day!

      • Bigot

        March 27, 2014 at 11:42 pm

        And archery practice on the village green every Sunday. Oh, it’s going to be so much fun. Instead of St Sebastian, can we have St Tony in the butts?

  2. youmuppets

    March 27, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    and who voted him in you !!!!!! so stop complaining it was your vote that caused this Muppet to come into priminister, so stop complaining

  3. rich

    March 27, 2014 at 4:05 pm

    Its like having our very own George W Bush 🙂 ……. sorry that should really be 🙁

  4. peterb

    March 27, 2014 at 5:09 pm

    Surely we should heed the amount of rain this week and reinstate cubits as the definitive measure

  5. Ash

    March 27, 2014 at 5:09 pm

    Why do people feel the need to make stuff up about Abbott when there’s so much stuff that’s actually wrong with him.

  6. Flipper

    March 27, 2014 at 5:30 pm

    This is just too funny, some people have taken this seriously, priceless, and explains how Labor even got one vote after what they have done to the country. I don’t support everything Tony does, but, we are in better shape, no doubt. I can understand why the brain surgeons on here are so upset about returning to Imperial, they’d rather say they are 7.62 cm than 3 inches, it sounds far more impressive.

    • Max Gross

      April 2, 2014 at 6:33 am

      What shape would that be? Banana? Or peanut?

  7. Che

    March 27, 2014 at 5:34 pm

    Just to say…The comments on this article are as entertaining as the article itself.

    Now to weigh in on the Labour/ lib debate this has turned into.

    I was brought up in a labour family, taught that the libs make the rich richer, etc etc. I firmly believed this until my late 20’s, when the wanton spending of the last labour government threw us into debt. Not to mention the embarrassment of watching the Australian government spend all its time infighting rather than actually running the country, among other things.

    I will say that I really don’t like Tony Abbott, he’s up there with my least favourite politicians of all time. However, I still voted Lib because Labour has no idea how to run a country.

    Minimizing red tape, reducing union power, reducing debt and looking for ways to increase productivity, these things make sense, and so I voted Liberal.

    And now I have the added benefit of being paid in pounds rather than dollars!

    • Max Gross

      April 2, 2014 at 6:32 am

      Perhaps if you voted Labor instead of Labour your vote might have counted for something.

  8. Gypsy Jack

    March 27, 2014 at 6:50 pm

    Obviously he thinks his manhood sounds bigger in inches. Sadly we all believe that it is smaller than his little toe in the snow.

  9. Gypsy Jack

    March 27, 2014 at 6:51 pm

    Obviously thinks his manhood sounds bigger in inches. Sadly we all believe that it is smaller than his little toe in the snow.

  10. Fiona

    March 27, 2014 at 7:21 pm

    I find it strangely telling that so many people find such an absurdity believable.

    Not everyone is gullible, they have a reason they believe our PM capable of doing the absurd.

    Describing him as ‘forward thinking’ would be even more satirical.

  11. juxtsuppose

    March 27, 2014 at 9:10 pm

    The humour in the article and some of the posts is quite good if your emotional development is at student level. With the U.S. today still using imperial weights and measures the joke’s on you and the other numerically challenged philistines. By your logic the world’s largest economy has it all wrong and Australia has it right. Ignorant 1960’s politicians adopted a Spanish currency and French weights and measures.

  12. Joy

    March 27, 2014 at 10:10 pm

    What I already love about The Shovel is how so many people don’t get irony.

    All I can say is: No wonder we have Abbott for PM. He got in on three-word one liners aimed at people who take what’s said at face value.

  13. Jans

    March 27, 2014 at 10:22 pm

    It’s always awkward when a satirical article reveals more about the readers than the original topic.

  14. ray

    March 27, 2014 at 11:00 pm

    Go fuck yourself Abbott he is turning into a dictator…

  15. Bronte

    March 27, 2014 at 11:30 pm

    BAHAHAHAHA!!! I got so sucked in – it’s late, I’m tired & I’m so used to this government coming up with the most STUPID, radical insane ideas…. I shared it on Facebook querying it’s time for TA to have a psyche assessment & a friend sent me a msg informing me it was satire. But that’s the whole point isn’t it – this government IS so ridiculous.

  16. Dick McFaggington

    March 28, 2014 at 11:14 am

    This site’s humour needs to be more consistent. ALL of the article titles need to be humorous, and the style of humour needs to be the same across all of the articles. Some are actually funny to read and are obviously satire, others just read like an article and aren’t really funny unless you’re already aware of the fact that the site is a satirical news site. It’s not enough to simply point and be all like “Ha-ha! It’s funny because it’s not real! That totally sounds like something (insert person/group of people) would do!”. If you want to try and copy The Onion, do it right.

  17. Possumrael

    March 29, 2014 at 4:06 pm

    I hear clocks are going metric. It will make it so much easier for the poor little kiddies learning the time.

  18. Phil

    April 1, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    I love that people think this is actually a real story. What kind of idiots does this site pull?

  19. YoudontNeedToKnow

    April 1, 2014 at 6:15 pm

    5 days later it’s April Fools Day and the article about a joke policy is released. Anyone not yet connected the dots? 🙂

  20. Max Gross

    April 2, 2014 at 6:29 am

    Yeah right. And I thought Abbott’s Dames and Knights brain fart was a joke! As always with Triassic Tony the joke is on anyone who takes him seriously.

  21. Martin the eternally puzzled

    April 3, 2014 at 10:48 pm

    I think they are being overly harsh on Tony in this!I

    Informed sources say the opposite, that he is going very futuristic, and has ordered some excellent full body outfits for the police in a nice plastic-looking white, with military police to get a lovely ruby red number with matching plate an helmet, with a nice black visor. He himself is considering something in classic black, with a special head garment in matching black, perhaps a cape, but has also been tempted by a more traditional robe like number, and a swilling chair on a dais.

  22. mich

    April 29, 2014 at 3:27 pm

    Give a man an inch and he thinks he’s a ruler!

  23. TheBBG

    June 14, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    Do not EVER give such an idea to the LNP. They will take it and run with it. They continue to assemble their corrupt and ludicrously embarrassing national “world of Sir Joh” and the coming of 1965.

  24. Mike

    June 24, 2014 at 9:12 am

    Anyone who thinks this is serious (or Sirius) should be hit up the side of the head with a two by four … or is that a four by two in this country … or is it now a metric five by ten … or a ten by five. Take your pick I guess but just whack someone for me will you. Anyway the comments have certainly been entertaining.

  25. Bruza Baxta

    July 30, 2014 at 12:16 am

    I will be having my 115th birthday next week and they tell me the government has changed the money into American dollars, is that correct. Well, I’ll tell you something for nothing, I’ve been using £ s d all my life and I’m not going to stop now! Not a farthing. Willy

  26. Bol

    September 20, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    Bravo Abbot. The Imperial System is more natural than the Metric one. It is much easier to handle in matters of basic human animal and plant needs.The latter only got favour due to the confusion of the many systems pre-dating it as well as its simplicity for scientific use.