New Science Discoveries To Be Taken To Manus Island For Processing

Tony Abbott satire

Any Science found trying to enter Australian institutions would be held in detention on Manus Island before being permanently removed, under tough new regulations revealed by the Government today.

The proposed laws are part of the Abbott Government’s broader commitment to put an end to Science, which Prime Minister Tony Abbott said was already showing results. “Since the new Government has come into power, there hasn’t been a single instance of Science trying to enter our shores. Previously, it was running unchecked, it was out of control. Under my government, Science will never be settled”.

Mr Abbott said he was simply acting on the Government’s pre-election promises. “We said we’d be a no-surprises government; under this policy there will be no surprising discoveries. We said we would turn back the Science, and this is what we are now doing”.

Asked about the potential consequences of allowing Science into the country, Mr Abbott said extreme caution was needed. “We don’t know anything about these Science discoveries or what their intentions are. They can be very sneaky, very cunning. Some of them – like Wi-Fi – you can’t even see”.

The Shovel is Australia’s satire website. For more, follow The Shovel on Facebook and Twitter

35 Comments

  1. Squirrel

    November 9, 2013 at 11:52 am

    Brilliant! You just made my day.

  2. Lee J.

    November 9, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    You guys just keep on delivering the comedy gold, although I guess the Abbott government must be a dream come true for satirists. 🙂

    • Matt

      November 9, 2013 at 2:37 pm

      Can’t wait to see your whingeing in 4 years time when Sir Tony is still in power ha ha ha ha

      • Mark

        November 9, 2013 at 8:12 pm

        Will there be no end to the foolishness!

        We need a cure for stupidity!

      • Peter

        November 12, 2013 at 8:43 am

        4 years is a long time for that fool to keep his mouth shut …

      • Nick

        November 13, 2013 at 4:13 pm

        Suffering a little bit of cognitive dissonance Matt? It is a shame when people cannot be responsible for their POOR decisions. What is worse though, is when people do not even realise that they have been fooled; or that continue to think a certain way and argue for their poor decisions, even when they know they are wrong or have made a mistake!

  3. uloola

    November 9, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    Since the instigation of “The Divine Right of the Liberal Party” and the infallibility of the “Abbot of Canberra” the tenet of Intelligent Design has now been enshrined within the teachings of the “Howard Doctrine”
    The reincarnation of B.A.Santamaria as the “Abbot of Canberra” has brought fear and trepidation to blasphemers who try to scientificise the wonders of God.
    They now realise that such things as microscopes,test tubes and laws of physics were the tools of Satan.The facilities on Manus Island will upgraded with the installation of a sun dial to try and discover that age old mystery of where the sun goes at night.This is hoped to lead to the reason why the tides come in and go out at such odd times of the day that do not correspond to Vespers,Matins and Mass.
    The “Abbot of Canberra” will be bourne to Manus Island aboard a golden galleon for his Beatification as the founder of the “Scientific Inquisition”.The start of the conclave will be the ceremonial bonfire of all the surviving texts on climate change.
    The ceremonies high point will be an address by the founder of “Murdocracy”
    Cardinal Rupert whose acolytes will prostrate themselves before him in their order of importance.

    • Da Luobo

      November 10, 2013 at 2:56 am

      are you pissed?

      • Phil

        November 10, 2013 at 9:42 am

        I reckon so, piss funny

    • Nick

      November 13, 2013 at 4:14 pm

      Gold! Just brilliant 🙂

  4. TrimCat

    November 9, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    “We’ll decide what ‘science’ enters the country, and the manner in which it comes”. Congratulations Australia. You voted for dumb, white and sports? You got it.

  5. Caroline Storm

    November 9, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    Wonderful satire…have only just found you exist! As good as Russel Baker!!

  6. Heather

    November 9, 2013 at 1:56 pm

    Love it. Thanks for the good laugh.

  7. Matt

    November 9, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    Great please send Tim Flannery and other climate change guru’s to Manus. What a laugh you ALP and Greenies are up in arms ha ha ha I am looking forward to at least 2 terms for Tony Abbott.

    • Paul

      November 9, 2013 at 8:37 pm

      It’d be great if people could think for themselves about ideas, instead of the people near them. There’s more to life than just picking sides as if you’re picking a football team. While we all gloat over how corrupt, shambolic or ineffective the ALP is/was or how corrupt, shambolic or ineffective the LNP is/was – the real issue at hand remains unchecked, and these hard-won parts of our nation, of our economy burn. And will continue to evaporate for generations to come, while we make it ever easier for other nations to leave us in the dust.

      • Nick

        November 13, 2013 at 4:16 pm

        Well said.

  8. Humans Are Weird

    November 9, 2013 at 3:02 pm

    This is too believable, which is slightly… immensely worrying.

  9. Frenzal

    November 9, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    Matt, you say nothing constructive and seem to gloat endlessly about LNP being in power, seem’s you are perfect for that party, shallow, full of hot air and vitriol.
    Parties with not a single original thought or idea, is what has manifested this “blame the victim mentality” that is being made popular under a predators mandate.
    You are a bad winner and if you are a reflection of the party you support….. then I fear for tomorrows Australia.

    • cartoonmick

      November 9, 2013 at 7:30 pm

      I prefer an open government which made many mistakes plus many good decisions, in preference to a secret silent controlling group showing strong signs of 1984.

      • Nick

        November 13, 2013 at 4:17 pm

        Here, here.

    • Don Miller

      November 10, 2013 at 5:16 pm

      As a Kiwi scientist I am excited at the opportunities sure to open up due to our neighbour’s lack of in-house research and its increasing ignorance of reality. The challenge, however, will be to ensure that illegal immigration from that country is strictly controlled. There will be no welcome, Matt….

  10. cartoonmick

    November 9, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    Ahh yes, the skilful art of silencing science. There’s always the risk science may produce an unwelcome fact, and we can’t have that now can we.
    Keep digging up those laughs, Mr Shovel.

  11. Gav

    November 10, 2013 at 12:16 am

    Something must be done to stop these Illegal discoveries from taking hold…

  12. Robs18

    November 10, 2013 at 4:12 pm

    Good grief, we wondered where Tony Blair had gone…..

  13. Marty Hillier

    November 10, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    You do realise WiFi was an AUSSIE invention – remember the CSIRO? They invented it.

    • lawrencewinder

      December 26, 2013 at 2:32 pm

      That’s why “The-Coots-With-Queer-Ideas-From-a-Parallel-Universe (aka, the IPA) want to sell it.
      Another brilliant move.

  14. Gina

    November 11, 2013 at 12:28 am

    Love it!

  15. Matt

    November 11, 2013 at 1:52 am

    I am ashamed to know the WHOLE world is laughing at Australia because of this stupid man!

  16. Mark

    November 11, 2013 at 4:23 pm

    Brilliant satire. Comedy gold !

  17. Cheryl

    November 11, 2013 at 6:37 pm

    What a science experiment gone wrong..Who let him loose on the world stage..I am cringing as I read through this garbage

    • uloola

      November 12, 2013 at 10:56 am

      Rupert Murdoch is the person who untethered the beast.

  18. uloola

    November 12, 2013 at 10:28 am

    The government Alchemist will now transmute iron ore to gold.This will replace the 75% of Australia’s gold reserves that the Howard government sold to maintain the facade of sensible economic managers.Unfortunately profitable government enterprises such as Telstra and the Commonwealth Bank can no long be sold again,so those pesky scientists have to take one for the team.

  19. Godfrey Brown

    November 14, 2013 at 9:19 am

    Word was tAbbott would do anything to be PM. History proves it. Anyone in lnp liberal would be PM now.

  20. John

    January 15, 2014 at 11:00 pm

    Yeh, it’s funny, but imagine how much funnier it would be if the Labor/Greens were still in power…as a matter of fact, the joke would have been on Australia.