Liberal Strategists Frantically Trying To Remember How To Stop Tony Abbott Talking

Tony Abbott satire

Senior figures in the Liberal Party are searching through old manuals and revisiting how-to guides, to help them remember how they stopped Tony Abbott from saying anything between October 2012 and July 2013, after the Opposition Leader mysteriously started talking again this week.

“There was a switch or a knob or something, I can’t quite remember,” said one Party strategist. “But whatever it was that we pressed, Tony stopped talking and the polls starting going up. We’ve got literally hours to work out how to do it again or we’re f*cked”.

Since he started talking again this week, Mr Abbott has made a constant tit of himself, claiming no-one can be the suppository of all wisdom, judging the worthiness of one of his candidates based on her sex appeal and writing off gay marriage as a passing fad. One Liberal insider worried that if Mr Abbott wasn’t switched off soon, there was every chance he could blurt out a costed policy.

Mr Abbott was contacted for comment, but his minders wouldn’t let us get anywhere near him.

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  1. Fed up

    August 14, 2013 at 9:36 pm

    Tony has little trouble until he moves off script and away from the slogans.

  2. No To Tony

    August 14, 2013 at 10:16 pm

    And he sounds like a dick if he just repeats his slogans continually. So…. Win-Win

  3. jen

    August 15, 2013 at 2:12 am

    Don’t stop him talking, he’s awesome when he puts both feet in his mouth!!

  4. Rob

    August 15, 2013 at 3:01 am

    Wheel him back into the shed, Peta’s got to replace the burnt out Murdoch circuit.

  5. graemeo28

    August 15, 2013 at 7:23 am

    There is definately a knob… but no one touching it.. 🙂

  6. Robyn Moore

    August 15, 2013 at 10:30 am

    I’m not sure they’re unintentional gaffes. I think it’s his way of signaling to his voter base that he’s a sexist, racist homophobe without saying so explicitly

  7. Squirrel

    August 15, 2013 at 11:10 am

    Loved the “suppository of all wisdom” comment when I heard it on the ABC news! I felt sure The Shovel would mention such a classic malapropism and thank you for not disappointing me. One has to wonder if Tony Abbott secretly thinks that wisdom can be found in that area of the body.

    • Rachel Harris (@notwrinkles)

      August 26, 2013 at 9:54 am

      I love that you used malapropism. Such a long forgotten word!

      • Squirrel

        August 26, 2013 at 4:03 pm

        Glad that you appreciated it, Rachel.

  8. Bob

    August 15, 2013 at 11:28 am

    I especially liked the comment that he was Street walking with Joe Hockey last week. Liberals must be really hard up for cash.

  9. Darin Sullivan

    August 16, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    Reblogged this on The Left Hack.