Obama promises not to fuck around with Valium before tomorrow’s debate

US President Barack Obama has made a commitment to his staff that he won’t experiment with hardcore sleeping medication before the second presidential debate tomorrow, but hasn’t ruled out getting stoned to “continue to challenge himself”.

Mr Obama took a cocktail of the prescription-only drugs Valium and Tamazepam before the first debate because he thought it would “even things up a bit”.

“I’m the most outstanding orator of my generation,” he said yesterday. “Winning debates straight, without being under the influence of depressants, comes easy to me. But I’ve always liked pushing myself, which is why I thought turning up to the first debate half cut would be a nice little tester for me. Turns out I fucked the whole thing up”.

Asked if he thought he could win the election, Mr Obama said “Yes We Can … I mean ‘Forward.’”

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