Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility For Melbourne’s Myki Ticketing System

myki

Abdul Hameed Muhammad, a senior figure in Al Qaeda has declared that the terrorist group is behind ‘Myki’, Melbourne’s new public transport ticketing system. In an extensive interview with the Al Jazera news network, Muhammad said that a Melbourne-based Al Qaida cell had been working on the project for years.

“We were looking for a way to cause mass disruption and distress in a major Australian city,” the terrorist explained. “We considered bombings and suicide attacks, but in the end imposing a half-baked, semi-functioning public transport ticket system on an unsuspecting public was the best way to bring the city to its knees”.

Since the system was launched last year millions of Melbourne commuters have had to endure the daily ritual of queuing to get out of train stations and the humiliation of being robbed blind due to system malfunctions.

Muhammad says his favourite feature of the new system is when a user tops up their card and specifies that they don’t want a receipt. “They get one anyway!” the terrorist said, giggling, “It just slows everything down so much unnecessarily!”

Muhammad takes credit for naming the ticket system himself. “I believe there is an expression in English ‘taking the Myki’? It seemed like the perfect name”.

Like all successful terrorist attacks, Muhammad says the element of surprise was essential. “When Melburnians learnt that millions of dollars were being invested in an electronic-based system, the assumption was that it would be more efficient than the paper-ticket system. How much worse we managed to make it surprised even me”.

Muhammad admitted that Al Qaeda had tried to impose similar systems in London and Singapore but that their plans were thwarted when the governments in those cities chose to implement proper, functioning technology.

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42 Comments

  1. Mark Thomas

    June 21, 2012 at 3:25 am

    I assume they are responsible for the desal plant as well

  2. Pingback: Melbourne’s Metro Trains to phase out passengers in bold plan to reduce overcrowding « The Shovel

  3. leona feeney

    November 1, 2012 at 7:54 am

    just returned from trip to Melbourne. We use public transport vhen visiting cities around the world. Melbourne public transport could be very good if ticketing system was better, simple and WORKING. We were sold wrong Myki tickets at first, then charged very different price for each person when traveling together. Staff in blue shirts giving confusing information. Old ticketing system we remember much better. Every day trip we were overcharged. Not cap $5.54 as we expected. If Melbourne want turist comming – it must do better. Very small number turist use taxi daily or hire car for dity trips.

    • Jamie Smith

      March 18, 2013 at 4:11 pm

      Your spelling is horrid. >.> Sorry but your right on the myki and all that.

      • tom

        March 18, 2013 at 4:53 pm

        Yours is not much better Jamie – learn the difference between “your” and “you’re”. I also take it you are a native English speaker. Whereas, the comment above comes from somebody who visits cities around the world. Perhaps English is their second language?

      • Caz

        March 18, 2013 at 6:16 pm

        Classic!

      • Kass

        March 18, 2013 at 6:56 pm

        Your use of punctuation is terrible, Tom, especially when snidely criticizing the spelling and grammar of another person. Perhaps being a grammar nazi is your second vocation. If not, perhaps you would be happier in a less demanding and more suitable career, such as piranha fishing or sump cleaning.

      • Phil

        March 18, 2013 at 9:58 pm

        I enjoyed your run on sentence Kass.

      • Ben Cunningham

        March 20, 2013 at 4:25 pm

        Jamie may have been reffering to Leona’s right to express her view on myki, in which case their use of ‘your’ is correct. Don’t be so quick to judge.

      • Miles

        September 12, 2013 at 10:16 am

        you are a Muppet tom. and Jamie, I rekin leona was takin the piss outa da turists talkin rong.

      • Gloveslap

        March 18, 2013 at 4:56 pm

        You’re right*

      • Gina Deen

        March 18, 2013 at 8:08 pm

        Yes his spelling is horrid but it’s ‘you’re right’ – just to be pedantic!

      • Adam

        March 19, 2013 at 9:32 am

        What a great read. Comments as interesting as article. I’m with Jamie (shame about the “you’re” though) on your spelling Leona. It is horrid. Second language or not, google translate is free. Hope you enjoyed the trip to Melbourne. (That’s snide sarasm, in case the tourist in question wasn’t familiar with the English language or culture). Wouldn’t want any misunderstandings.

      • Jo

        March 19, 2013 at 12:53 pm

        It is unlikely Google Translate will translate to English with better grammar than most native speakers use…
        If you want to be pedantic, perhaps you should punctuate your first sentence correctly, perhaps the following would improve your sentence structure:
        “What a great read! The comments are as interesting as the article.”

      • Bob

        March 19, 2013 at 9:57 am

        Muphry’s law is alive and well amongst the Grammar and typo Nazis :D

      • Shane

        March 19, 2013 at 2:07 pm

        I see what you did there.

      • Langy Cynic

        March 19, 2013 at 11:43 pm

        Hate to tell you that your spelling isn’t much better. “Sorry, but you’re right”, it’s a shortening of you are, the apostrophe replaces the a. Get it right. Mind you they are right about Myki. A total stuff-up.

      • Svetlana Sally Johnston

        April 23, 2013 at 1:39 am

        Thing is when it’s working it’s cheaper then the old MetCard and when it;s not it’s even cheaper … it;s free on the bus :o)

      • Chris

        June 8, 2014 at 7:35 am

        Your grammar is horrid.

        *You’re

    • Elle

      June 10, 2014 at 10:39 am

      Anne frankly I did nazi that coming

  4. Brad

    March 18, 2013 at 6:47 pm

    Amazing how you focus just on the Melbourne side of it, yet it’s a state wide system, with the exception of Vline. Which is mind-boggling in itself.
    It’s stuffed up public transport for the entire state, you Melbourne-centric jerk!

    • Nath

      March 18, 2013 at 7:50 pm

      thats because nobody cares about what happens in the parts of Victoria that are not Melbourne. Deal with it.

  5. Daniel

    March 18, 2013 at 6:52 pm

    Sorry, it’s already been done. It’s called Cityrail

  6. tprdicko

    March 18, 2013 at 6:58 pm

    Cityrail already did that

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  8. Mike

    March 18, 2013 at 8:45 pm

    Gold! :D

  9. Deano Parkinson

    March 18, 2013 at 9:36 pm

    Your overuse of commas puts you in the same boat Kass.

  10. Deano Parkinson

    March 18, 2013 at 9:51 pm

    I’ll give you a tip. When you write something, try saying it aloud. As an English teacher, I find this very helpful for my children. Bad grammar is ubiquitous these days. It makes me sad. :(

  11. Bob

    March 18, 2013 at 10:04 pm

    A Kind of Major Point – Myki has Cost Billions – With a “B” – $1,500,000,000 -that’s almost enough to run the entire train system for free for a few years. It’s a heck of a lot of schools and trains.

    I’d bet a certain Big Blue chip company must be wishing that Al Qaeda would take responsibility for the $1,200,000,000 Queensland health payroll Non system as well.

    Oh, and then there’s talentless and the useless excuse for a payroll system in New Zealand (Novopay or whatever it’s called).

    None of these systems are complex, but somehow, they end up getting too expensive to fail.

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  13. Anon clayton

    March 19, 2013 at 12:35 pm

    BBC admit Al Qaeda never existed

  14. #mykistinks

    March 19, 2013 at 5:36 pm

    Myki is rubbish!

  15. Damion - London

    March 20, 2013 at 8:01 pm

    Lovely bit of satire Shovel – keep it coming! While the London system hasn’t brought quite the same level of chaos (that is served up regularly by the union-ised drivers, guards and station staff), it has brought commuters to their knees by being true to its Oyster name; overpriced, overrated and dreadfully difficult to get anything out of. One suspects al-qadea may have successfully infiltrated Transport for London….

  16. Lynda

    March 21, 2013 at 9:50 am

    Taking the Myki…. Yes!!! I am a frustrated commuter, the machine will not take my cash, then it will not accept my eftpos card, and, to top it off, I must wait in line to be served at the counter. It gets better (or worse),, on the way home, my Myki would not open the gate to let me get to my train. Aargh…. has anyone noticed that it just simply does not work effectively and you can completely forget about efficiency. Well done Shovel. Oh for all the grammarians out there, give it a break, we all know what people mean when they are typing on blogs and life is more than just full-stops and commas in the right place. :)

  17. ptu

    March 27, 2013 at 6:45 pm

    Love the part about the receipts. Shits me to tears. Because of that, it uses the same amount of paper as metcards, removing all possible benefit of an electronic system.

    Also correction: myki IS being implemented on V/Line (how else could it be state wide, when most of the state is only serviced by them?). In fact V/Line stations were some of the first to get myki readers (afaik they still haven’t been turned on..).

    And what is wrong with Oyster? It’s heaps cheaper than travelcards, and it actually works. It also works in Brisbane where it’s called ‘go’.

  18. Freja Leonard

    March 30, 2013 at 4:32 pm

    I think we should all get tollway tags that we can wear on our heads. That way commuters could run through the barriers as fast as we like and still have our travel validated effectively every time. Those things are free and the billing’s reliable. What do you say, Victorians?

  19. andy

    April 6, 2013 at 10:17 am

    Not millions mate. Not even hundreds of millions… It’s billions! (1.5 Billion to be exact.) Definitely taking the myki!

  20. Alistair Benoy

    April 29, 2013 at 11:31 pm

    what does vic do? employ more inspectors and police to fine ppl fed up with faulty cards or over charging. I’m sick of being charged for a 2 hr trip everyitme i touch off. even if it’s minutes after the last one.

  21. Ross David Thomas

    October 31, 2013 at 9:28 pm

    whilst i completely respect that we all have differences in opinion (which is why i refuse to hate these people) youv got to admit that these guys could and should switch careers to comedians when they make claims like this XDDDD

  22. Trevor Kelley

    April 30, 2014 at 10:08 am

    A great post.
    Compare this experience in Melbourne with Gladys Berejiklian’s success doing the same in NSW so smoothly (an little publistity) and the former NSW Labor govenment’s +$100Million attempt that was cancelled after the money was spent.

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